ADMINISTRATION TO ADD LOYALTY QUIZ ON 2020 CENSUS
Washington, D.C. 7/20/19. With the courts recently rejecting their effort to include a citizenship question on the 2020 census, the Drumpf administration, through an executive order, will, instead, add a brief questionnaire to the interview. Instead of determining citizenship, it is designed to uncover a far more important factor—the interviewee’s love for and loyalty toward the United States and its current leadership. So as to avoid a significantly added workload for census takers, the questionnaire will be short and administered only to suspect people—those with black or brown skin and, occasionally, to Caucasians with really awesome suntans.
The questionnaire follows in its entirety.
1. Which of the following phrases most arouse your love of America?
a. Make America Great Again
b. Lock Her Up
c. Send Her Back
d. Make America White Again
e. Build that Wall
f. All of the above
2. If the four freshman representatives known as “the squad” did, in fact, go back to “where they came from,” where would that be?
a. a shit hole country
b. Michigan, Minnesota, New York or Massachusetts
3. In the following list, which would be likely targets for a successful ICE raid and subsequent deportation?
a. The president’s wife
b. The president’s wife’s family
c. Any domestic, maintenance and/or kitchen employee at Mar-a-Lago
d. The wife of the senate majority leader
e. None of the above
4. Which of the following airports did Washington’s Continental Army seize during the American Revolution?
a. LaGuardia
b. O’Hare
c. Reagan National
d. All of the above
5. In a country like this one where journalists and the press are enemies of the people, it is important to be able to identify fake news. Can you identify which three of the four items below are fake?
a. The Russians meddled in the 2016 election
b. Hillary Clinton won the popular vote in 2016
c. The Mueller Report totally exonerated the president
d. Climate change is a clear and present danger
6. Which of the following news sources can generally be counted on for reliability? (provide hint if necessary…it sounds like an animal)
a. NBC
b. CBS
c. CNN
d. Fox
7. Please complete the following sentence:
Vladimir Platinum is…
a. A good friend of our president and the United States
b. A major investor in Drumpf properties
c. An amazing hockey player
d. Several steps ahead of our president
8. Please complete the following sentence:
Kim Jong Dung is…
a. A very talented guy
b. A great leader
c. Lovable
d. Certain to give up his nuclear weapons
e. Several steps ahead of our president
9. From the following list, please identify all those that you would consider shit hole countries:
a. Norway
b. Sweden
c. Denmark
c. Haiti
d. Honduras
e. Nicaragua
8. Which of the following policies have been most successful for the United States?
a. Abandoning the Iran nuclear agreement
b. Leaving the Paris climate accord
d. Tariffs on imports from China
e. All of the above
9. True or false: Trade wars are easy to win
10. How do we know climate change is a hoax?
a. The earth is not getting warmer
b. The glaciers are not melting
c. Climate events are not worsening
d. The President said so
e. All of the above
Thank you for answering our loyalty quiz. Based on your answers you may or may not expect a visit from your friendly ICE agent in the near future.
(Note to census taker: Some respondents may refuse to take this survey. If their refusal is very powerful, you should accept it.)