By Jim Baldwin
Washington D.C. 3/27/19. In my last interview with the President on August 24 he offered Storyguy a follow-up talk, but suggested we schedule it soon, since he was optimistic about his chances of being relieved of his duties in the near future.
The completion of the Mueller Report provided the perfect opportunity for that follow-up. Storyguy’s questions are in italics.
First, let me say, Mr. President, that I’m glad you agreed to speak with me today, but, honestly, given the sanitized version of the Mueller report that came out, I thought it would be a time to get you in good spirits.
Well, I do have a tee time in an hour, but no problem Jim. I’m always happy to talk with anybody in the media—even you.
So, you must be a happy guy these days?
You’re one of the few that knows the truth (I know—there’s that word again), so you’ll understand that I’m actually not all that happy. I’m conflicted.
Why? You’ve been cleared of collusion with the Russians, obstruction of justice and practically anything else your hand-picked attorney general wants.
Well, as I’ve told you before, I was hoping Mueller would come through, see the obvious and help get me out of this bleeping job well before 2020. I mean, really, how could my collusion be more obvious? But the guy is such a damn Boy Scout. Just because I did all the colluding out in the open—that stupid letter I did for Don, Jr.—since I did that with the press watching for god’s sakes, he doesn’t see it as illegal. I knew I couldn’t count on him. But, anyway, the whole treasonous colluding thing…it might have gotten me out of this job, but it would have been very bad for the brand. Very bad. And, as I’ve told you before, Jim, it’s all about the brand.
So, you think you’re stuck here ‘til the next election?
Absolutely. After all the crap I’ve pulled, and I’m still here? Are you kidding me? There’s no way I can get out. And now my base (air quotes) is doing victory laps. And my propaganda channel is demanding apologies from the left.
That brings up another important question. That base of yours seems absolutely rock solid no matter what you do. Has it occurred to you that you just might win again in 2020?
‘“OMG”’ as my daughter might say. That is a horrifying thought. Gives me nightmares. But I have a strategy for that base of mine. I would have thought you’d have recognized it by now.
You don’t mean the lawsuit you’re bringing to strike down the Affordable Care Act as unconstitutional?
Bingo, Jim. You’re not as dim as you look. You do know that I refer to you as Dim Jim?
Proud to have a nickname sir. Puts me in illustrious company. But what’s your reasoning for striking down Obamacare and leaving some 20 million Americans without healthcare insurance.
Exactly. Understand this. Most of those 20 million are members of my base. I’m using a new tactic with them; direct and obvious betrayal. If I don’t get them turned against me by 2020, I’ll be stuck here talking to people like you for four more years.
Wow. That seems a bit extreme. And to do it right now, while basking in your Mueller Report glow?
That’s precisely the reason for the timing Jim. Look. I’ve tried other stuff. Big stuff, too. That ridiculous tax package hit ‘em all right in the pocketbook. Still, they love me. Then I put in that crazy tariff program, that puts so many of my base in the agricultural Midwest on the slow, painful road to bankruptcy. I think that’s starting to work, but they just cheer “America First. America First.” And I can’t take credit for the flooding out there—we’re sending a few rolls of paper towels to Nebraska by the way— or for the fires in California, but my climate change policy…
(Interrupting) Or lack of it?
Don’t get smart with me Jim. But, yeah lack of it, has a lot to do with those disasters, but I know my base, and they won’t be connecting those dots—any dots really.
Are there any dots they can connect?
Well, the problem is that as long as I’m doing outrageous stuff, breaking stuff, tearing things down, they love it, even if most of the things I’m breaking hurt them directly.
But I have high hopes for this legal action against Obamacare—I hate to use that word. “Obama.” (Air quotes.)—it will really hurt ‘em. Now if the stupid democrats would get a clue and realize that I’ve just given them a gopher ball right down the middle—they should hit it outtathepark all the way to 2020.
But surely you’re planning to provide an alternative to the ACA?
Jim. Jim. Well of course. We may not actually have (air quotes) a program, but we’ll certainly have the illusion of one, and I’ll provide the usual lies. We’ll become “the party of healthcare.” (Animated air quotes.) The bigly most beautiful healthcare program ever. Something we’ve never seen before. It’ll be right up there with my other greatest hits. Isis is defeated. Coal is coming back. Trade wars are easy to win. C’mon Jim. Who’s gonna believe that?
(Breathless pause.)
If taking away their healthcare insurance doesn’t work, I’m not sure what else I can do, they love me so much.
I’m sure you can come up with something.
Hey, how’d you like my pot shots at old McCain. The balls huh? Me. A bone spurs draft dodger takin’ shots at a legitimate American hero. That was fun. But, of course my base loved it, so it backfired.
Do you have anything else in mind if all these efforts are unsuccessful, and your base still loves you?
Well, they love the idea of a wall, and it will be hard for me to back away from that, so I’m thinking about funding it with cash taken from Medicare, Medicaid and the food stamp program.
They should be able to connect those dots?
You would think so, but, hey, they’re my base. Even when I hit ‘em where they live, they just put on their MAGA hats and feel all white again.
Not wanting to do another four years—I’m still not sure I believe you.
Well Jim, just remember. It’s all about the brand, and it’s succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. The Mueller Report totally exonerates me, the dems will trip over themselves again…2020 is around the corner. Ya know what? I gotta squeeze in a call to Moscow before my tee time. We’ll talk later.