FUNK ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR LEXINGTON BORDER WALL
By James Baldwin
Lexington, MA. 2/16/19. Hiram Funk, controversial and newly elected mayor of Lexington, MA, announced today that, since his board of selectmen would not authorize funding, he was declaring a state of emergency at the town’s borders with Winchester and Arlington and in so doing suggested that he will be re-allocating funds from the town’s education budget to build a “big, beautiful wall” around Lexington.
He also noted that with his declaration the town would qualify for the new federal Wall Encouragement Program where federal funds would match those invested in wall building by individual towns across the nation.
“If you don’t have borders, you don’t have a town,” Funk declared, then, misquoting revered New England poet Robert Frost he added, “something there is that loves a wall.”
When asked for details surrounding the emergency, Funk explained, “we’ve managed to build Lexington into a wonderfully diverse town—Asian, Indian, African American, Caucasian, even male and female, you name it. And now there are caravans of white people, Brits and Irish mostly, pouring over our borders, all wanting to establish residence here, take our jobs, open hair salons, health spas and bank branches, occupy space in our diverse schools. They come in their Mercedes and BMWs bringing their marijuana and after dinner cordials. People tend to forget that a short 250 years ago, we lost lives trying to get rid of ‘em—the Brits anyway—and here they come again.”
Asked if a wall would be the best way to solve the supposed problem Funk said, “Well right now, without a wall, our policy is to separate those immigrant children from their parents at the border as a way to discourage this great migration. In an agreement with Waltham we’ve re-opened the infamous and formerly abandoned Dever School—a great use of our public facilities—where we can house the kids. We plan to pay particular attention to those many children from both towns who are excellent football, basketball and baseball players.”
Meanwhile, residents of both towns and Lexington’s own board of selectmen have argued vehemently that the idea of an emergency at Lexington’s border with these towns was complete fiction.
“There is no migration to Lexington,” one irate Winchester resident suggested. “Who would want to move from here to Lexington? It’s a longer commute, there’s no train and, In fact, they don’t even have a Whole Foods in that town. When they sneak over the border to come to our Whole Foods, they’d better be damn careful,” he added.
One Arlington resident suggested, “Lexington hasn’t beaten us in basketball in years, so I can see why they might want to grab our kids at the border.”
A spokesman for the Lexington board of selectmen agreed. “The whole idea is preposterous and, like most of Funk’s ideas, could have the opposite of the intended effect for Lexington. Can you imagine if Arlington closed off their section of the Minuteman bikeway, and Winchester cut off access to Whole Foods?” He continued, “and taking funds out of the town’s education budget is unthinkable for Lexington. We will never approve this power grab.”
Then he added, “And leave it to the idiot to misquote Frost. It is, ‘something there is that DOESN’T love a wall.’ Unbelievable. The man is a dunce. How the town elected him I’ll never know.”
Asked what his next move might be if his plans are legally challenged, Funk admitted, “Well, I’m not really sure yet. I’ll have to watch Hannity tonight and let you know in the morning.”