CELEBRATED FORMER ARSONIST RESIGNS FROM INTERIOR DEPARTMENT
By James Baldwin
2/5/2019. The formerly reclusive California arsonist, Forrest Tinder, announced at a hastily called press conference today that he was “disgusted,” leaving the Trump Administration and his high ranking post in the Department of Interior having been passed over by the president as the successor to disgraced former chief Ryan Zinke.
The weathered faced Tinder, whose primary qualification for his position at interior was starting the recent Camp fire—most devastating wildfire in California history—had accepted the appointment in exchange for a presidential pardon of his life prison sentence.
Given his background and proven ability to destroy public lands, his appointment under Zinke was much celebrated at the time, and his departure today came as a surprise to many, given the possibility of hard time ahead.
“I am insulted that the president would not even consider me for the top job,” Tinder, bearded and with hair tousled as always, exclaimed. “My boss, Zinke, was strictly a small time, long-term destroyer. He was cutting the size of, what is it again, ‘Bears Balls National Park?’ and ‘Escalator Park’ in Utah? Big deal.”
Just getting warmed up, Tinder continued, “Zinke said he was all about opening up offshore land for oil drilling, and coal mining in national parks. That’s great, but we’re talking about destruction at a snail’s pace here. Sure, that stuff will give us the nice, hot climate I really love, but when? 20-30 years from now? All I need is a pack ‘a matches and I can accomplish that crap in a few weeks…especially since nobody rakes those forests. I don’t think the president really understands how quickly I can reach his goals and delight his base.”
Asked if he tried to defend his position with the president Tinder said, “Well, I tried to get an appointment, but he’s a busy guy. All that ‘executive time.’ I tried to write to him, but they told me he doesn’t have time to read anything. They told me a Tweet would get his attention because it’s limited to just a few words, but I have no idea what that is.”
Tinder also offered criticism of the president’s choice for new Interior head, Woody Burns, a passionate climate change denier, whose other, albeit unnecessary, qualifications include a long career as lobbyist for the fossil fuels industry.
“Honestly, I think the president just liked his last name better than mine—more fitting for the department. But,” he went on, “this is just what I mean. This guy is another long termer. Sure he’ll destroy public land and generate tons more carbon in the atmosphere, but it will take him so long to do it. I’d get immediate results.”
Asked about the possibility of jail time in his future without the protection of his administration job, Tinder, who was wearing a blue tie on his red plaid flannel shirt for the occasion, was confident.
“Are you kidding?” He laughed. “I haven’t learned much in my brief time stuck in my office here in DC, but I do know this. There are so many spots vacant in this administration. Somebody with my qualifications can take their pick. My preference, though, would be to take my talents over to the EPA where I’d find lots of sympathetic people. Also, the republican guy from Utah, on the House Natural Resources Committee is looking for some fiery consulting. Then, with Burns gone, the big energy, fossil fuels guys are looking for a lobbyist. Hey anybody who needs to light a fire…I’m their guy.”