By Jim Baldwin
Washington, D.C. 1/18/19. My last interview with the president was on August 24. So much has happened since then I was hoping to get an update, and much to my surprise he agreed. The interview is below. Storyguy’s questions are in italics.
Last time we talked you told me that your election was a spectacular promotion of your brand, that you hate the job and wanted to be relieved. Still true?
Well, it’s not AS true. In case you haven’t heard, I shut the government down. Not only is the job a lot easier now, but I’ve got time for you, even, and that’s saying something.
Sir, I’m glad you started with the shutdown. That’s on everyone’s mind right now, and seems like it’s really hurting you in the polls.
Ohh. Polls. Bad word for me right now, but let’s move on from that. Well, to be honest, which I am sometimes, I was concerned about what the shutdown might do for my brand, but it’s amazing what happened. My “base” (air quotes) loves it. Seems like the more I do that hurts them, the more they like it. And those radical-right radio people, my closest advisors? They’re making me out to be a hero, so it’s working out a lot better—or worse since I want to get fired— than I thought. But either way, it’s great for my brand!
You also mentioned that you’ve tried so many things to get yourself fired and suggested that screwing with the economy, while not your tool of choice since it could hurt you as well, was something you might try. How’s that going?
Well I’ve done a great job on that like everything else—a job like we’ve never seen before. The trade tariffs have had exactly the impact I was hoping for. Did you notice that tailspin the market went into a few weeks ago? Man, that was fun. But free markets tend to be so resilient, these legitimate companies keep reporting profits, and the market keeps coming back. So I’m looking at different ways to fail.
Like what?
I’m walking a tightrope here and I’ll admit—only to you, Jim—that I am conflicted. I want out of the job, but I just hate to lose, and I definitely do not want jail time. Talk about bad for the brand. Don may have to do that for me. So I’ve gotta do stuff that really shows my incompetence.
So, that’s where the wall comes in?
Oh yeah. The magic word. The Wall. Now let me tell you about that. Talk about a beautiful thing. It is amazing that you and all the rest of the fake media haven’t caught on. The wall is just a tool. It’s a political symbol, an idea, and its only use is to keep my base loyal and my sycophants—all those idiot republican senators and congressmen—in line. You guys keep talking like it’s real. It isn’t. It’s just an ideological tool, but you people keep talking about it like it’s a real thing, which just helps the symbol be more powerful.
Hmmm. This sounds like I’m being used here. But, you’ve been pretty convincing about it, too. How many times in your campaign did you call it “a great big, beautiful wall.”
C’mon Jim. Do you really think my base could rally behind a concept? An idea? You’ve gotta give them real specifics—something concrete (big smile). Gotta spell it out for them. Especially those idiots in the radical right media. Geez. Talk about literal!
Well, maybe I’m a bit literal myself. I honestly believed that you felt the wall was a solution for the crisis at the border.
Jim, Jim really? I thought you were smarter than that. Goddamit! Don’t you know that THERE IS NO CRISIS AT THE BORDER (shouting). Some of the media…I know, I know…I’ve got most of my base thinking of them as fake…have got it dead right. The border’s much less of a problem than it was years ago. Whatever problem that’s there now is humanitarian—those poor people who’ve trekked all the way from Central America—and it’s a problem Sessions and I created, for godsakes, separating kids from their parents. That’s all our doing. C’mon Jim. It’s a manufactured crisis. Just like the stupid “caravans.” (air quotes) Open your eyes! Did you see how fast those went away once we didn’t need ‘em any more?
So you really….
(Interrupting) And when you think about it for a minute, you’d realize that building a stupid bleeping wall would be the last thing—and the most expensive thing BTW (air quotes) you’d do for humanitarian problems. And stopping drug traffic…are you kidding? We all know most of that comes over in trucks and on ships and boats through entry ports. What the Hell’s a wall gonna do to stop that? C’mon, boy. Think about it!
What about terrorists coming across? You use that a lot to create fear in your base…
Jim, what have you been smoking? When’s the last time a terrorist crossed over that border? Don’t know do you. That’s because it practically NEVER (shouting) happens. They come in by air and probably across other borders where the access is much easier and safer.
So you see. The whole Wall thing is just a manipulation, and you guys insist on behaving as though it’s a real idea.
Well, you may laugh it off, but that’s pretty ironic given that you shut the government down over it.
Oh, but you see that’s part of The Wall’s unending beauty. It let me shut down the government, too, and that really energizes my base. And what could be more outrageous than a president shutting down his own bleeping business? If that doesn’t get me fired…See? It IS a great big beautiful wall.
Not to change the subject, but the wall seemed to be dominating the news until …
(Interrupting) Well, that was another great thing about The Wall. What an idea eh? Talk about legs. It was also the perfect shiny object to take everyone’s eyes off Mueller’s investigation. By the way did you know that’s just a witch-hunt and there was no collusion? No collusion. Just thought I’d add that in case you missed it.
Speaking of collusion or, well, no collusion to be accurate, I was just about to bring that up. You do know that your lawyer went public yesterday acknowledging that your campaign colluded actively with the Russians.
You could ask me which lawyer! (Guffaws) But Gelatini. You know the guy just can’t stop telling the truth. And it’s so ironic. Remember he’s the guy that said ‘Truth isn’t truth,’ destroying all his cred anyway. But there he goes again. With the truth. How many times have I said ‘no collusion.’ And now he admits to collusion. If this was my other gig I’d fire him. But I can’t fire him now. Nobody else, nobody, would take the job.
So, you did mention the other lawyer, your personal one. The story was yesterday that he told the special prosecutor that you were paying people off to buy their perjury in your defense?
Oh, him again. I call him Flipper. You can’t believe a word he says, and by the way, I’m working with Mitch to come up with a bill that would make “flipping” (air quotes), i.e. telling the truth, illegal. The senate isn’t doing anything else right now, so they’ve got time to work on this.
Speaking of time, Hannity’s coming on, so I don’t have a lot of it left for you and that lame website of yours.
Ah, yeah, thanks for that, but just one more thing. I noticed yesterday that you took Nancy Pelosi’s airplane away…
Oh yeah. I loved doing that. Reminded me of the Beach Boys song, ‘fun, fun, fun til her daddy took her T-Bird away.’ (singing off key with-air quotes.) But she took away my opportunity to brag to the entire nation. It just doesn’t get much worse than that. Talk about knowing how to hurt a guy. She’s gonna pay for that one, bigly.
Ok. I’m done. Do you think we can have another check- in in a while?
Sure. But we’d better get it on the schedule. Not sure how much longer I’m gonna be here, before I get my wish.
And oh, Jim, one more thing. Just to get it on the record. Those questions about collusion? I think it’s a disgrace that you asked me those.