ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCES WALL BS PROGRAM
Washington, D.C. 1/15/19. Unable to get funding for a border wall through congress the president, through his press secretary Sarah Panders, announced a new administration program today that, “will meet the multiple needs of enhancing existing border security, come to grips with the border crisis that endangers all Americans, and pay for itself by stimulating the economy, all at a price well under that which democrats have already approved.”
Panders also suggested that under this new plan there will be no need to hastily re-open the government since most of the currently unemployed government workers will be able to find jobs working on the new project.
The new project, officially, the Wall Border Security Program, will be called the Wall BS Project, according to Panders. While the administration sought to credit the idea for the program to Homeland Security chief Kristen Neilson, Panders explained that the true inspiration for the program came from the president himself when he justified the wall by comparing it to the wheel, a device, according to the president, “whose utility today is perhaps even greater than it was a few years ago when first invented.”
Panders explained that rather than continuing to insist on building more wall to please his base and his panel of chief advisers Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham, “all of whom serve without pay” she pointed out, the president has elected to enhance the existing wall in ways that are “sure to delight them.”
In meetings with these advisors, the president’s wheel analogy created a flood of ideas the best of which will be included in the Wall BS Project:
Digging a moat to run on the Mexican side of the existing wall and populating it with alligators, imported from various Trump golf course property water holes. Alligators that have created a crisis with the many golfers at these courses will be transported and inserted at intervals in the moat along the wall. “We see this solution of two crises at once being typical of this project’s efficiency,” she quoted the president as saying.
Constructing boiling water dumping stations at key sections along the existing wall using large vats that would be elevated to the top of the wall and spilled on the rapists, drug dealers and MS-13 gang members attempting to scale it from the other side
Posting archers with cross-bows between the boiling water stations
Installing punji stakes (a relatively modern technique creatively brought forward to the plan) along the top of the wall especially in high traffic areas
Placing catapults every hundred yards or so to be used both offensively to launch rocks to the other side and defensively to launch any undocumented immigrants lucky enough to have fought their way over the wall, back over to where they came from.
Having outlined the project Panders continued, “Probably the best part of the project is the inspiration it has received from the Green New Deal folks. Like that program we see this as a modern day WPA project that will employ most of the 800,000 currently unemployed government workers, and, since some of the jobs will be unacceptable to most unemployed Americans, it will provide a working wage for many of our illegal and undocumented immigrants, among whom will be workers currently employed at Trump properties.”
Asked what kind of jobs will be available Panders said, “Oh, there will be so many. We’ll need moat diggers, rock collectors, water boilers and dumpers, archers, alligator feeders, catapault operators and more. These are just the kind of unskilled jobs that really excite the folks in our base, although they will no doubt complain about having to compete with illegal immigrants to get them.”
One member of a startled press corp asked Panders how alligators and archers provided a solution to the humanitarian crisis at the border created by the administration.
“Once the word gets out that we’re using alligators and boiling water at the border, we anticipate that the caravans of rapists, thieves, diseased people and MS-13 gang members will think twice about coming here, the stream will dissipate and the humanitarian crisis will be over,” she said.
“Also,” Panders continued, “We see aspects of this project appealing to the radical left, too. It will be a largely green project using little energy beyond manpower, almost zero CO 2 emissions and, best of all, no guns.”
Asked if the council of advisors foresaw any problems with the massive project Panders admitted, “we’ve yet to decide how we’ll get water for the moat in the desert sections,” adding, “you might not think these remote sections are important, but a few years ago a dangerous, 12 year old suspected MS-13 gang member tried to scale the wall in a very remote section. So these areas are critical to our safety and must be protected.”
The press secretary was asked what ultimately happened to the 12 year old. “Oh,” Panders replied, “When he discovered he was in Texas, he asked to go back to Mexico. Now, you see, if only we had those catapults…