By James Baldwin
Washington D.C. 10/5/19. Yesterday I was contacted by an irate whistleblower. Frustrated by the long queue of whistleblowers forming in DC, he came to me in desperation after rejections from various inspectors general and major media outlets knowing that I had interviewed the president on several occasions.
He had done his homework on me, and even concluded that my news story on the Wall BS Program was the likely source of the president’s latest ideas on improving border security with the use of alligators, boiling water and catapults.
He asked that I publish not one but multiple complaints on my blog site. His request came with a thinly disguised quid pro quo. He demanded that I promise to circulate his revelations to my vast network of subscribers before he would share them. Unfortunately, I agreed to do so.
In accordance with federal whistleblower laws, I have sworn to protect his/her identity. A carefully edited transcript of our conversation follows. Although in places it appears to be so, it is “not verbatim.”
WB is the whistleblower. SG is Storyguy.
WB: I really appreciate this opportunity. I have several complaints. Well, not complaints, really, but facts. Also, as part of our agreement, I would like to predict how the president’s supporters will react. I think it is part of my service to prepare the public for the pretzel twisted reasoning the president’s supporters will produce in response to my revelations.
SG: I am, as they say, all ears.
WB: First—the president has grabbed and thinks it is ok to grab women by their private parts. He has been quoted as saying that this is ok especially if the assaulter is famous. I heard him say , “if you’re famous, they let you do it.” I saw it on YouTube. It’s out there for all to see and nobody’s talking about it. That’s why I’ve decided to blow the whistle.
SG: I think you’re a little late on this one. That whistle has blown. But, still, I am interested in what you anticipate as the Republican justification of such an act?
WB: Be ready for the Republicans to say that the women’s vote is crucial in the coming election and that the president is simply trying to get a feel for that part of the electorate. They will suggest further that any professional consumer researcher will tell you that hands on research is the most reliable kind. Everybody does it, but mostly the Democrats.
SG: I’m hoping you have something better than this…
WB: Oh yeah. I’m just getting started. Number two: The president had an extramarital affair with a porn star AND had his fixer, lawyer pay her off to keep her quiet. And this all happened during an election campaign. Not only was it flagrantly immoral, the payoff was a gross violation of campaign finance laws.
SG: You seem to be sort of a one topic whistleblower?
WB: Well, maybe, but she was a big time star, Stormy Day, and the president’s dalliance with her would only enhance his reputation with his red state, cellar dwelling, couch potato base of disenfranchised, unemployed, angry white men. So the president’s campaign will pretend that they were simply seeking her endorsement.
SG: But if they paid for her endorsement…?
WB: They’ll say the payment was for actual services rendered, say everybody does it—mostly the Dems—then play “what about?” What about Bill Clinton? What about Joe Biden?
SG: That’s still a very late whistle.
WB: Ok. Maybe it is. But here’s a new one. Same theme though.
Under the president’s direct order his campaign has asked another movie star, Trixxi Texas to be the honorary chair of the 2020 Republican convention—a move designed to keep that classy base of his base firmly behind him.
SG: Uh. Oh. How do you see them explaining this one?
WB: They won’t have to worry about explaining it. Trixxi immediately rejected their offer explaining that her brand as a hard-core porn star was far too important for her to subject it to the grimy contagion of the president or his party. She was actually insulted by the offer.
SG: Are we done here? All this seems to be well below my discerning blog readers.
WB: Well, I do have one more item that could be hot. This whole thing about the president openly enlisting foreign nations to fix the coming election? They’re not satisfied with the Ukranians and Chinese response on the Biden smear, so they’ve expanded their target to include the senator from Massachusetts. The president’s attorney has been attempting to manufacture dirt on her with the Iroquois Nation.
SG: Now that’s new. I’d like to hear more about that.
WB: Unfortunately, there’s no there there. When the attorney could find no non-stop flights to Iroquois Nation, he became suspicious and texted his connections in the state department who informed him that the Iroquois nation was not a foreign country. In a state of shock, he reported this new knowledge to the president, and the whole effort was called off. It’s just another nothing burger.