By James Baldwin
Washington, D.C. 10/18/2019. Yesterday an agitated President Don Corleone contacted Storyguy asking for an interview. An offer not to be refused, It was the first time the president initiated one of several interviews, the last one occurring on March 27 of this year, just after publication of the Mueller report.
Regular readers of Storyguy will recognize the president’s impatience for the job and his frustration over not being relieved of his post by now, something he has been trying to accomplish since his earliest days on the job.
Storyguy’s questions are in italics. Highlights of the interview follow:
I’m flattered that you’ve reached out to me, Mr. President, and it seems that you’re a bit agitated. Would you like to begin?
Agitated!? Are you kidding? Yes I am. But I’m also excited. Really excited.
I can understand. There does seem to be a lot going on in your world. Let’s start with why you’re agitated; then we’ll move on to excited. OK?
It’s like what the f___k do I have to do?! Taking orders from Vlad, paying off porn stars to keep quiet, ordering family members to lie and ignore subpoenas, removing health care insurance for millions, installing tariffs to screw with the economy and now openly inviting foreign states to meddle in our elections. You’d think that would be more than enough to get me fired. Am I right?
Yes sir. It would seem so.
Yeah. Bigly. But no. Just look at Shifty. Taking his good old time with impeachment. I put all the evidence he needs in writing, for god sakes, and look. I’m still here.
I know you’re getting impatient, but didn’t you always say impeachment would be bad for the brand, and…
(Interrupting) and it’s all about the brand. You’re not so dim, Jim. You do know I call you…
Yes sir. Dim Jim. I believe we’ve covered that ground.
Yeah, so I thought that whole deal about hosting the G-7 at Doral would upset some people. I love to accuse Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe of self dealing, but does conflict of interest get any more obvious than having the next G-7 at my resort, and one that’s struggling like we’ve never seen before?
That does seem egregious.
Don’t be name calling here, Jim. It seems really obvious but that base (air quotes) of mine just says that’s proof of what a great businessman I am. Probably the best we’ve ever seen.
And (acting chief of staff) Malarky didn’t help you much yesterday admitting to the enemies of the people your quid pro quo to pressure Ukraine …
Yeah. Could you believe that? We were watching in the round office and nearly threw up. That’s what I get for hiring an Irishman as consigliere. It’s a shit hole country. Really rare. Buncha white guys you can’t trust.
So, if impeachment is bad for the brand, and you’re fighting it, do you have other routes to get out of the job?
Thought you’d never ask. Now we’re getting somewhere. This is why I’m so excited.
(Catching his breath, arms spread wide apart)
I think I’ve found a way to get out of this job before I get impeached and without damaging the brand.
I can’t wait to hear this.
Yeah. This is brilliant if I do say so, and, as you know, I often do.
With one magnificent strategic decision, a decision that could only come from an extremely stable genius, I should get myself out of this job.
And that is…?
Pulling our troops out of Northern Syria.
I haven’t seen much support for that decision. Why is it “brilliant?”
Boy, they don’t call you Dim for nothing, do they? Just look at what this one simple, ingenious decision does. (Getting excited. Heavy breathing through his nose.) It betrays the Kurds our most important ally in defeating Isis.
(Interrupting.) So Isis is defeated?
Well, not anymore. With us gone all those bad guys go free, while we jail 10 year olds on the border with Mexico. Now that’s so bad, not even my base can accept that one. And I’m just getting started. All those bases we built along Syria’s northern border? I’m leaving those so Vlad can just move in. I give Turdowan just what he wants, and all that stuff about controlling Iran? You can forget about that now. They’ll be free to get arms and everything else to Ass-Ad in Syria. And Ass-Ad? Now he gets the Kurds without even negotiating, and he’s been fighting them forever. But good luck to ‘im. Everybody knows they’re no angels! OMG (air quotes) everybody wins!
Except us?
Yes. Of course, Dim. That’s the point. One brilliant decision leads to four or five reasons to remove me. You’ve heard about a two-fer? This is at least a four or five-fer.
Honestly, I have to say this does not sound good for the brand.
Oh Jim, I’m so far ahead of you on this one. First, the brand gets credit for bringing our boys home. Then I send Abbot and Costello over there to get a brief cease fire giving the Kurds just enough time to escape from their homes. I crow about saving (air quotes) millions of lives, and here’s the best part, Jim. We apply me and my administration for the Nobel Peace Prize for ending hostilities on the Syria/Turkey border. You know they’ve been fighting for years over there.
Now that’s branding! Like we’ve never seen before. And, with luck, I get outa this job, before Shifty throws me out.