HELSINKI BATHROOM BUG REVEALS SOURCE, PURPOSE OF US’ UKRAINE EXTORTION
Washington, D.C. 10.23.19. Recorded contents of a listening device, placed in the men’s bathroom in Helsinki’s Presidential Palace sometime before July of 2018, were leaked to the press today revealing details of a private conversation between President Corleone of the United States and Russia’s most powerful mafia Don.
The conversation apparently took place when both Don’s wound up alone in the men’s room during their 2018 summit meeting.
Highlights of their conversation follow: MD is the Russian Mafia Don; PC is President Corleone.
PC: (Sounds of footsteps.) God! Talking through those damn interpreters is such a pain in the ass. I wish the world could know how good your English is. The best we’ve ever seen!
MD: Yes. Is true. I am better at English than I am at hockey. But maybe we make some real progress while in here my friend.
PC: Oh boy. Whadaya want now?
MD: Well, you know we very, very generous with you, and I’m feel like it not been—how you say—reprocibated (unintelligible). We hack damn erection. Do everything to fix you win, and still you almost—how you say—intercourse it up…
PC: Don’t get me started. You guys were so clumsy sometimes, so obvious.
MD: Forget about that. It do not matter how we do it. Your people so intercoursing gullible. You won. And, as I tell you before…well, maybe not you directly, but your son…you owe me. How you say—bigly. So, I like you to do me favor.
PC: Oh boy. Here it comes. Whadaya got in mind?
MD: We use help in Ukraine. That little shit of country is thorn in my rectum, and your support them with no end cash is not help. So….
PC: Ok, man. I know what you’re gonna ask, and to stop supporting them? That’s a big ask, Vlad. That’s just so fucking obvious. You know what that would be? That would be aiding and abetting the enemy. Everybody thinks I don’t, but I know my constitution, and what you’re asking me for is treason. I know you guys live with that every day, but in my country, you know what happens to traitors?
MD: Calm up. Calm up. I say many times we been very generous to you. Remember that. I feel sure you find a way to cut off those rubles to shit hole country Ukraine. And think this my friend. You have another one those stupid erections you guys do all time…
PC: (Very loud.) NO! I CAN’T DO IT!
MD: Need to remind you those tall buildings you want in…
PC: (Interrupting). Yeah, yeah, but we can’t do anything with those until I get out of this job anyway.
MD: (Very quietly.) And videos?
PC: Come on! You said those would disappear if I ran and won!
MD: They have way of repearing? And don’t make me remind of billions we give in to your properties. We take those rubles out; you—how you say— toast?
PC: Alright! Alright! I’ll put Gelatini on it. He’ll find a way. And with any luck, if we get caught in all this, he’ll have all the dirt on his hands.
MD: Just be sure not point any digits at me, because if you do…
PC: No. We won’t. We’ll make it like an internal political deal. Make it look like we really believe it was the Ukrainians and not you who tampered with the election. Get the stupid Democrats involved. Get them investigating the wrong stuff. We’ll completely deflect attention from you. Believe me.
MD: Ok. We have deal. You stop rubles to Ukraine. I stop ruin you.
PC: God that sounds so much like a quid pro quo. And, oh. Almost forgot. One more thing. Don’t forget our deal on Syria. I leave it for you, and you pretend you’ll protect the Kurds and guard our Isis prisoners.
MD: Is not problem. Is easy—how you say—peazy. Me, Ass-ad, Turdowan, three amigons.
PC:. And you’ve gotta help me win in 2020, just like you did in ‘16.
MD: Of course. You our best agent.
PC: Ok. Ok. Now will you please leave? I’ve gotta pee and I need some privacy.
(Pause, then sound of footsteps.)
MD: (In the distance.) So tire of winning.