By James Baldwin
Washington, D.C. 8/24/18. Much to my surprise I scored an interview with the President yesterday. It is below in its entirety. Storyguy’s questions are in italics.
First, I want to thank you so much for setting aside time for me today. With all the golf you play and TV you watch, I know you’re a really busy guy.
No problem, Jim. But I don’t have much time. Sannity comes on FUTZ TV in 10 minutes, and I don’t want to miss hearing my plan for the day.
Ok then. Let’s start right in. I’m really curious. Why did you accept an interview with The Storyguy?
Hey. I checked you out. Nobody reads your lame website, so this is one of the few places where I’m comfortable with actually telling the truth.
I’m glad you brought “Truth” up so early. Your primary spokesman (Tito Gelatini) just told the world that “truth isn’t truth.”
Yeah. He’s fun isn’t he? Talk about word salad. You just never know what’s coming out of his mouth. Look, Jim. I am telling the real truth here, and you have to understand. I never wanted this job. Running was just a fantastic way for me to keep building the Drumpf brand. I loved it. Hundreds of thousands of people contributed to a campaign, and it was just to build my brand. How great is that? But when it actually started to work, I was as shocked as anyone else. And panicked, to tell you the truth. And now that I’m in the job, I can’t wait to get out
Really!? You want to get out of the job!? I have to say I don’t believe you.
Well, I can understand that you might not believe me. After all, the failing Washington Post has counted some 4200 untruths or misleading statements from me. Proud of every one of ‘em, and so is my base (air quotes). But if you look at what I did during the campaign, you’d see I was trying my best to lose it. I said outrageous things during those debates, all the name-calling. I arranged for the revelation of the Access Hollywood tape. Then I set up a meeting with the Russians. The Russians for God’s sake. It doesn’t get any worse than that. I mean I pulled out all the stops and nothing worked. The more outrageous I got the more my base (air quotes again) loved me. Those people are rabid by the way… crazy. I hope they never turn against me.
And despite it all, you won.
I didn’t just win. It was a landslide, and I have to admit that even though I wanted no part of the job, an upset win really turned me on. Then to have the biggest inaugural crowd on record, like we’ve never seen before…
(Interrupting)Sorry. A quick question about that inaugural speech—you said it wasn’t raining and the cameras showed raindrops on your suit?
If I say it wasn’t raining, it wasn’t. Everybody knows that.
And now that you’re in the top spot you must be loving it?
Are you kidding? It’s horrible. The workload is overwhelming. How could my predecessor, a guy born in a Shithole country like Kenya, do this? My TV time is down to six hours a day, and even though I watch just one network, that’s not nearly enough. If I didn’t have all those meetings (air quotes) at my golf courses, I’d never get to play. My handicap’s all the way up to 2 for God sakes. So, no, I’m not loving it.
I’m sure you have some frustrations. What are the biggest ones?
Where do I start? I’m telling you, no CEO has to work within the confines of something so ridiculously constricting as the US Constitution. Of course, I’ve never read it, but what a terrible document. No way to run a company. And the entire judicial branch is like a bad board of directors on steroids. So, I really just ignore both of them.
I’m a little surprised you didn’t mention Flippers—all those associates who are turning on you. You’re already on the record saying that flipping should be illegal. Isn’t flipping when people tell the truth? Do you mean, then, that telling the truth should be illegal?
Oh Jim. Jim. Remember. It’s not about the government. It’s not about the American people. And it’s definitely not about truth. It’s all about the brand, and this flipping (air quotes) hurts the brand. And, of course, when people flip (agitated air quotes) they are telling the truth—and that’s really rare for these guys. But wait ‘til you see what I'll do to flipping. I’m gonna Tweet about it—already have. FUTZ TV is running with it. We’ll turn it into the ultimate character flaw, see it as betrayal, make ‘em all seem like traitors. My base will hate them.
Seems like you’re playing a lot of defense these days. Do you have a plan for the next few months?
I’ve been executing my plan since I got here. I’m trying my best to get thrown out of this job—fired, if you will. Just look at what I’ve done.
I started with ironic cabinet appointments aimed at insulting the American people. A climate change denier at EPA. Pruitt was amazing wasn’t he? A public lands opponent at Interior. An education head who doesn’t believe in, or know anything about, public education. Then I praised white supremacists even after they’d killed someone in Charlottesville. I created the term Shithole Countries. I called Kim Jong Un, who makes Hitler look like a Boy Scout by the way, a “talented guy” (air quotes) and let him play me perfectly in our meeting. I undermined NATO. I publicly announced preference for the Kremlin over my own intelligence guys. I lied about meeting with the Russians to gain political advantage. I mean, really, this is horrible stuff. And look what’s happened. Absolutely nothing.
That’s a pretty impressive list of transgressions…
Yes, it is, and those are just for starters. You would have thought ripping children away from their parents at the border would have finished me. But I’ve got a huge problem. That base we talked about earlier. No matter what I do, they cheer. I sign a tax bill that penalizes them directly. They applaud what they see as a tax cut. I create trade tariffs that wind up taking money right out of their pockets, and, still, they storm to my rallies wearing those beautiful MAGA hats. No matter what I do they find a way to justify it, and they’ve scared everyone else in the party from challenging me.
Still, if you keep this up, maybe you could get yourself impeached?
I gave up on that long ago. My base has paralyzed my party in the House. There’re 236 republicans over there and zero balls. But I’m not sure impeachment would be good for the brand, anyway.
Maybe Mueller will get you fired somehow?
No chance there either. He’s way too respectful. He’ll never indict a sitting President. The guy won’t even engage in name-calling, and all the insults I lob at him seem to have no impact. And collusion? That’s nothing. Yesterday I blackmailed the entire country, when I said, “If you impeach me the market will crash.” I added, “Everyone will be very, very poor.” Blackmail! From your President! And you know what the response was? Crickets. I think after all the lying about hush money payments to porn stars and playmates, nobody believes me any more.
Speaking of playmates and porn stars, maybe that little imbroglio could get you fired?
Well, I’ll admit that’s a bit of a problem and definitely not a plus for the brand. I’ve made so many conflicting statements about those two that it is virtually impossible for me to say anything without perjuring myself. But to get me to that point they’ll have to depose a sitting President. Not easy. But dealing with this, what did you call it? Imbroglio whatever that is, is easy. We just play whatabout with it. What about JFK? And, my favorite, of course, what about Bill Clinton? Like my base always chants, “Lock him up.”
Wow. So it looks like unintended consequences rule the day and, no matter what you do, you’ll be stuck with the job for a long time?
Well, maybe. But I’ve only recently started screwing with the economy. That’s my, shall we say, Trump card. The tariffs are a start. People accuse me of not understanding trade. I know exactly what I’m doing. Tariffs will be horrible for the US, and when the economy goes South that’s when people will finally want to dump Drumpf.
And if none of that works…?
Oh, I’ve got other ideas. A UN membership for North Korea. Building a wall along the Canadian border. Shutting down the National Park system and opening all that land for oil drilling. Inviting Putin for a few rounds of golf at Mar a Lago. Gelatini as Attorney General. I could go on. Oh! Sorry. Gotta go. Sannity’s on.