WITH LADDER SALES LAGGING, GREAT ESCAPES BLAMES ADMINISTRATION,FACES RUSSIAN PRESSURE
By James Baldwin
Race, WI. 8/21/18. Great Escape Ladders, LLC, recently uncovered as another of many obvious conflicts of interest between the Drumpf Administration and the President’s private companies, is experiencing what management has termed a downward slide caused by a cascade of business problems, most of the them attributable, ironically, to the unintended consequences of new Drumpf Administration policies
US investors were wary of the company from the start (Russian oligarch money has provided 80% of the company’s start up funding) suggesting that the core business model was fatally flawed. The cost of carbon fiber, so critical to making the ladders portable, was too high, causing them to be unaffordable for the target audience, immigrants from Central American countries and Mexico seeking to scale the Drumpf wall along the US Southern border.
To solve the cost problem, the Company had to import less expensive carbon fiber from Canada. No sooner had supply relationships been established, then Canada slapped on tariffs to retaliate for those applied on them by the Drumpf administration, raising costs even higher.
Seeking another solution, Great Escapes next tried to lower labor costs by hiring undocumented immigrants willing to work for miniscule wages. In fact, there were rumors that the administration’s zero tolerance immigration policy was instigated to capture “illegals” and send them straight to the company’s Race, Wisconsin home to take jobs that no American would accept and keep the supply of ladders affordable.
Then, once the company was fully staffed with minimum wage undocumented workers, it fell victim to more of the administration’s unintended consequences, as ICE conducted a Gestapo-like raid on production facilities, arresting all the workers and shutting down production.
A spokesman (who asked for anonymity due to the sensitivity of the subject) for Great Escapes explained, “It was basically a problem of name confusion,” he said. “Since the Drumpf name has become so toxic, we just couldn’t use it for marketing in any form. So we avoided it with Great Escape. The problem was that ICE, who is forbidden to go after the hundreds of illegal immigrants working at the President’s hotels, golf courses and all Drumpf businesses, didn’t realize that Great Escapes was a Drumpf property and raided us. They rounded up all of our employees, both legal and illegal, even some of management, and shut us down. It took us four weeks to replace them with new illegals and get back up operating again.”
He continued, “The other problem is that the target audience is shrinking. Fewer and fewer people, even those from Shit Hole Countries want to come here anymore.”
Difficulties at the company have placed the Russian investors at significant risk causing observers of the administration to speculate that the immigration policy changes announced yesterday by Attorney General Jeff Blessing were the direct result of pressure from the Kremlin.
Blessing announced that any immigrant group carrying a Great Escape Ladder would gain immediate entry into the US, and that there would be no separation of children from parents at the border provided that the parents own a ladder.
Beyond the helpful policy changes from the administration, the company has turned to marketing and advertising in an effort to stimulate sales, borrowing, ironically, American Express’s once famous tagline, “The Great Escape Ladder. Don’t Leave Home Without It.”
Further, the company extended their price discounts beyond just MS 13 gang members to include all rapists and drug dealers, which, according to the spokesman would include, “just about all immigrants.” This final strategy seems particularly inspired by the administration as it allows their spokespeople to continue and maintain a high level of immigration hysteria with their base.