UNDER AVALANCHE OF TWEETS, TRUTHS, DOPE DISBANDS
By James Baldwin
Washington D.C. 8/9/18. After a brief but busy term, the Drumpf Administration’s newest department, the Department of Prevarication Explanation commonly referred to as DOPE, shut down yesterday shocking many Washington insiders.
Created just a few months ago amidst much fanfare, the DOPE’s mission was daunting; to curate and justify the thousands of often conflicting truths proffered by the administration to assure that the intended truth was communicated to the American people—a key tenet of the President’s effort to Make America Great Again.
DOPE head Mitch O’Rourke commented yesterday that, ironically, it was the President’s tweets along with uncontrolled comments from his spokespersons and, simply, facts on the ground, that were the DOPE’s undoing.
“With the help of FUTZ TV we had done a great job of establishing some important and plausible alternative truths, especially with our ever loyal base,” O’Rourke said.
Among these truths O’Rourke listed some of the DOPE’s “greatest hits” starting with the Trump Tower meeting with Kremlin representatives, a meeting positioned as a discussion of American adoption of Russian children.
He also took credit for establishing that the President did not know Stormy Day or of any hush money payments to her, the widespread fraud in the last election explaining the Clinton 3 million popular vote margin and the myth of immigrants as rapists and MS 13 gang members.
“Our early, immediate success in establishing these and other truths was really gratifying,” O’Rourke said, “but with the arrival of Gelatini (Tito) as the President’s primary spokesperson, things started to unravel.”
It has already been reported here that in one of Gelatini’s initial public appearances, on FUTZ, he openly admitted that the President had, indeed, funneled hush money to Day to directly contradict the DOPE's approved story. Since then, O’Rourke has been critical of Gelatini for the latter's habit of stumbling into contradictory truths on several occasions, making the DOPE’s job far more difficult.
“Despite the fact that the President’s commission on election fraud found no fraud, we were able to keep that quiet, even when the commission shut down,” O’Rourke said. “Then that loose cannon who was in charge of the commission—the guy from Kansas; where is Kansas anyway?—decided to run for governor and brought it back to the headlines again,” he added rolling his eyes.
But it was the President who supplied the final straw according to O’Rourke.
“No sooner had we managed to establish creative, plausible alternative truths, swallowed whole by our base, by the way, when the President would contradict our work with wild, early morning tweets some of which would appear to be the actual truth—incredibly enough,” he said. He cited the conflicting tweets about the Trump Tower meeting as a prime example.
“The boss’s self incriminating tweet a few days ago admitting that the Trump Tower meeting with the Russians was to ‘get dirt’ on Hillary was devastating to us here at the DOPE after all the work we’d done to establish the original story,” he complained. “ In just one tweet he managed to expose the real truth—that the campaign had broken the law and that he, himself, had obstructed justice by lying about it. The man just couldn’t leave managing the truth to us. Sad.”
O’Rourke explained further that the keys to DOPE accomplishing its mission would have been to silence Gelatini and gain control of the President’s tweeter reflex, neither of which seemed remotely possible and led to the department’s demise.
The administration is spinning the shut-down as an example of draining the swamp, and intends to privatize DOPE’s responsibilities. In a situation that does not want for ironies, the Washington Most is being considered as a civilian sub-contractor for the job.
“We know that the Most is already dishonest, and it has kept careful track of the President’s now over 4,000 outright lies and/or misleading statements,” O’Rourke explained, “so they are uniquely qualified. Also, if the President continues this trend of accidental truth telling, the Most will probably have to lay off their vast Fact Checker staff and some of their columnists who will have little to write about. So they may be looking for another income stream.”
O’Rourke reported that the administration was also looking to the Kremlin’s troll operation as a potential sub-contractor to replace the DOPE. “They’re really good at hacking and may be able to edit wayward tweets before they launch. And, unlike our recommendations, the President will actually listen to the Russians. They seem to know exactly what the President wants and have a proven knack for influencing our base.”
The departing DOPE chief also said that the Kremlin was offering to provide this service without adding a retaliatory tariff, establishing Russia as the only country willing to ignore the administration’s new, bellicose trade policies.
Since the DOPE shutdown also cost O’Rourke his cabinet position, he was asked about his future plans.
“Well, I had planned to go back to my home state and take a position with Jack Johnson distillers. We used to sell a ton of whiskey to the Chinese, but now, thanks to the administration’s trade war, our sales are in the toilet, and my state’s primary product, besides racehorses and basketball players, is going there with it.Talk about a whiskey sour,” he smiled. “I might write a tell-all instead, but after all this who would believe me?”
Correction: In a June 1 story this website reported in error that Tito Gelatini had been mayor of Secaucus. He had been mayor of Hobroken.