CALIFORNIA ARSONIST REWARDED WITH POSTS AT DEPARTMENT OF INTERIOR, EPA
Washington, D.C. 8/13/18. In a move that was unexpected even for the chaotic Drumpf Administration, Forrest Tinder, alleged to have lit the fire currently out of control in Southern California’s Cleveland National Forest, has been hired to assist either Ryan Pinke at the Interior Department or Andrew Tire, Scott Pruitt’s replacement at the Environmental Protection Agency, perhaps both.
According to an administration spokesman Tinder was immaculately qualified for the position. “His commitment to and efficiency in destroying public land and clearing it for private development is certainly proven and fits perfectly with Pinke’s established philosophy at Interior.” He added, “he also firmly believes that global warming is a hoax which makes him attractive to the EPA folks. He fits in nicely in several positions.”
Beyond his recent resume, little is known about the reclusive Tinder, although he has acknowledged believing in many of the same conspiracies as the President and several of the FUTZ TV news theorists, further qualifying him for service in the administration.
Also, his hire continues a primary administration mission of staffing government departments with people dedicated to undermining those very departments; a pattern well established by the appointments of Rex Tillotson, credited with dismantling the State Department, Pinke at Interior, Dr. Ben Carton, whose primary changes at HUD were improvements to his own office and, most famously, climate change denier Pruitt cynically installed at EPA.
Given the historic level of turnover in the administration and difficulty finding qualified people to staff the many open positions, there was some concern that Tinder would not accept the job offer. However, after considering his other option—life in prison—he enthusiastically jumped on board.
“The administration hit the jack-pot with this hire,” the spokesman declared. “We get an experienced anti environment, pro development employee who can’t leave his post. And his cost to taxpayers as a loyal government employee will be far less than it would have been as a lifelong resident in our prison system. It’s a real win, win for the American people and a classic example of how we’re Making America Great Again.”
For his part Tinder was enthusiastic about his new job. “I can’t wait to light a fire under those laggards at Interior,” he said. “Taking back a big part of the Bears Ears monument for oil and gas drilling was a start, but, really. Like my bosses, I can’t wait to get my hands on Yosemite, Yellowstone and the rest.”