WOMEN WORLDWIDE CELEBRATE AS STORMY ACCEPTS NOBEL
Oslo, NO. 5/5/18. Often known to shock the world with their award decisions, the Nobel Prize Committee delivered a whopper last week bestowing their esteemed Peace Prize upon American pornographic film star Stormy Day.
“We were completely aware of what we were doing and the uproar that this might cause,” committee chair Hofstad Jordahl explained to an unbelieving press, “but,” he continued, “all of us on the committee could not find any other candidates who could even come close to Ms. Day’s achievements in the last year.”
He then launched into a brief recitation of those achievements.
“She had the courage to challenge the honesty of the would-be dictator of the United States. It was because of her that investigators were led to his lawyer’s doorstep, his house of cards and prevarications came tumbling down and he was forced to resign.”
“In the process,” Jordahl asserted, “she rescued democracy in the US, reduced the possibility of nuclear confrontation in the world and removed some crucial obstacles in the fight against global warming. She also brought down the one male who should have been a prime target of the #me-too movement but somehow seemed immune to it. What an entire movement couldn’t do, she did by herself. When you look at these accomplishments alone, no one else comes close.”
Day, resplendent for the ceremony in a sedate blue, pin-stripe suit topped off by a bright red pussy hat, seemed a bit baffled by the event.
“I was just standing up for the naked truth,” she said. “I had no idea it would come to all this. This is undoubtedly the best thing that’s ever happened to me with my clothes on.”
The irony in this award was not lost on Republican members of congress, who, at the President’s urging, had been working feverishly on a bill that would legalize sexual assault for white men and apply retroactively. Devin Moons, the leader of the effort said, “There is a real need to allow less attractive and undereducated white men the freedom to express their sexual desires—America is all about freedom after all—and this was a great way to do it. I mean, really, we allow almost everyone to have automatic weapons. This bill seems tame by comparison. Of course,” he continued, “the Democrats played the obstructionist role again, one of the few things they do as well as Republicans.”
The last surviving White House spokesman maintained that passage of the bill was unimportant to POTUS anyway, since all of his sexual assaults were, and are, excused by executive privilege.
Still, members of the Drumpf administration did not take kindly to the award, especially after their plants at the President’s recent campaign rally in Michigan attempted to start a chant, “No---Bel, No—Bel,” for the President. After hearing of Day’s award, an anonymous source quoted the President asserting, “No—bel Prize. No—body cares.”
Day’s thoughts went beyond just her award. “I think I speak for the #me-too movement and women everywhere when I say, any man who would try to grab my private parts, outside a movie set, either literally or through his lawyer, would do so at his peril.”
Then she added with fist raised, “I’m delighted to be included in that pantheon of icons known to the world by just their first names—Lebron, Ronaldo, Beyonce, Kanye, Pink, Bono, Serena—and now me, Stormy, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.”