DRUMPF ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCES NEW DEPARTMENT, CABINET POST
By James Baldwin
Washington D.C. 4/28/18. White House Press Secretary Sarah Muckabee Panders announced today the establishment of a new department in the executive branch to be known as the Department of Prevarication Explanation or DOPE.
Not known for exaggeration, Panders gushed, “Not since the Orwell team of the mid 1980s with their brilliant concept of “Doublethink” has there been such an innovative and timely move by an administration.”
When asked about the need for another government department in a time when Republican tax cuts for the wealthy threaten to hype the Federal budget deficit to astronomical heights, Panders explained with unusual candor, “We’ve never had a President as creative as this one. The result of his unmatched creativity is that there are so many versions of the truth that we’re all losing track, with the possible exception of the Washington Post and some others in the dishonest media. The American people deserve to know which truth is the real one. The mission of this department is to keep close track of the many truths and make sure the real ones get out there.”
Panders also pointed to the importance of the department to POTUS himself who is challenged to stay consistent with his own many truths. “Just this week,” Panders observed, “he offered new truths on a Fox and Friends casual interview that conflicted directly with prior truths. The President is so creative that he understandably has difficulty remembering earlier truths, and it gets him in trouble—to the point, some would say, of incriminating himself.” She added hastily, though, that this is not a major concern, since the proud Americans in his base just pick whatever truth they like the best and respect him for it. “Or,” she acknowledged harkening back to the Orwell Administration, “They have the ability to hold contradictory truths simultaneously and believe in them all.”
As an example Panders pointed out recent news concerning the President’s lawyer in what has become known as the Stormy Day case. “On the one hand,” she began, “the President has claimed that he knew nothing about the lawyer’s activity in this case. This is true,” she said. “At the same time,” she continued, “the President acknowledged that his lawyer does, in fact, represent him in this very same case, when he needed to claim lawyer/client privilege. These two facts cannot exist simultaneously and still be true,” she continued. “It will be up to the DOPE to guide us all in avoiding these types of situations, or in asserting that conflicting truths are, in fact, not conflicting at all but true.”
As further evidence of the department’s importance, Panders said, the office will be located immediately next to the President’s in the White House.
Panders explained, “Given the President’s prodigious and frequent prevaricating the office location is important. The head of the department will need to hear virtually all of the President’s utterances in order to keep careful track.” She explained further that it will be the department’s job to parse the various truths carefully to avoid situations like the one resulting from the Fox and Friends interview in which no matter which truth became the real truth the result was equally incriminating for the President.
The President also commented on his new department pointing out, “It was all my idea. It is a great idea. Really. I’m so creative. I’m probably the most creative President in history. Everybody will tell you that. Believe me.”
When asked who he would select as head of DOPE and new cabinet member, the President responded, “Well, given the location of the office and importance of the job—I mean we’re talking about selecting the proper truth for the American people here—almost every Republican in congress wants the job. They all want it. There are so many good candidates, you wouldn’t believe it. And, up to this point Kelly Ann Conn, has done a great job of interpreting my words for the public.”
“But,” he continued, “the final decision was easy. Mitch O’Rourke, the Senate Majority Leader is uniquely qualified to head DOPE. We have been particularly impressed by his willingness to support virtually all versions of the truth. We also believe that his effectiveness obstructing progress in the Senate will have immediate applications in our efforts obstructing justice over here. So, he’ll really be able to hit the ground running.”
The President was queried about losing O’Rourke’s support in the senate. “As long as we have the Republican majority in the senate, we’re confident that they’ll continue to do our bidding,” the President said. “It doesn’t really matter who’s in charge as long as we have the majority.” He added, “Witch hunt. No collusion. The truth is the truth.”
At the end of her press conference Panders was asked about the apparent irony in the new department’s acronym. She acknowledged the potential difficulty but added, “Liberals will no doubt make jokes about DOPE, but explaining the truth is really important to this administration and it is essential to Making American Great Again. We think real Americans will take to it,” she said, adding, ‘Get the dope from the DOPE,’ has a nice ring to it.”