Republicans Announce Sweeping Proposal Combining Abortion, Guns
By James Baldwin
Washington, D.C. 6/25/2022. Republican congressional leadership introduced an ingenious new bill today that would require all newborn fetuses to be issued a hand-gun at birth.
House Speaker Kevin McLackey said, “Many people, especially the radical left, complained about the seeming contradictions and inconsistency of our stances on abortion; pro-life on the one hand, and guns…well, pro-death, on the other. They had the gall to suggest that we cared only about unborn life, and that, once the fetus was born, our attitude was, ‘Hey. Good luck to ya.’”
“This new law would change all that,” he said. “Newborns will now have the same second amendment guarantees we’re all granted, and we’ll be taking care of all those new babies right from the first diaper change.”
When questioned about women losing their constitutional right to choose, the Speaker said, “Now that the kid comes with a gun, we’ve actually expanded constitutional rights. And there’s so much more important stuff to worry about than women losing choice. Gas prices. Inflation. Our southern borders. Mexicans are pouring over as we speak.”
He added, “there’s nothing better to stop a bad guy with a gun, than a good guy with one, even if it’s just a kid.”
Many critics on the left thought the bill an outrage, equipping even small children with firearms and no background checks.
“That’s another great part of this bill,” McLackey claimed. “It eliminates all that administrative hassle with background checks. There’s no background to check.”
When questioned about whether the new legislation would deal with automatic attack weapons, McLackey said, “We wanted to include them in the bill, but we felt that might be a bridge too far for our radical friends on the left. Denying an AR15 to a fetus is clearly unconstitutional, but we can live with that compromise for now. We’re hoping to get that up to our plants at SCOTUS for rubber stamping next term.”
McLackey also felt that the new bill carried a stern warning for anyone thinking about shooting up an elementary school. “Imagine knowing that all the kids in the school had guns. Talk about a deterrent,” he said. “That’ll make ‘em think twice.” Then he added, “If only the kids had AR 15s…we’re working on it!”